What motherhood means to me


Views expressed below are personal, and only apply to myself. This post is about how I, personally, deal with this aspect of parenthood. In no way do I intend to undermine/downplay the work/love and devotion of our parents, who are the only reason why I can think critically and differently and who I feel did do (and still do) all they can for us, without expecting anything in return.

One of the things that I rediscovered when we became parents was the world of quotes/scriptures/Facebook scamps etc exalting how parents were the epitome of humanity, and how each and every happening in one's life needed to be attributed to their parents' great work either directly (in raising them and providing them with the necessities of life) or indirectly (praying and spiritual development).

My timelines are filled with heart wrenching pictures of random old people, superimposed with Urdu poetry praising how mothers who fed and raised their children only ask for a small gesture of blessing in return. Pictures of old men would be superimposed with text about how their sons are now their own wives' slaves and these old fathers are now lying in dark corners like forgotten furniture. The MOST uncomfortable ones are the ones where they talk about how children should be so eternally grateful to each and every single thing imaginable as the greatest 'ehsaan' (loosely translated as obligation/favor) has been done on them (I've always wondered about this one. How has this ehssan been done on them? By giving them birth? By feeding them? By fulfilling basic needs? Isn't that something that one 'signs up to' when they have a child? To eradicate one's existence and replace it with what you have been gifted with?)

When my journey started, there were all the familiar feelings that everyone talks about that come with motherhood; indescribable joy, a bit of paranoia about everything, stress etc. but the one feeling that I was not counting on was that of heartbreaking guilt.

To top it all, my baby didn't exactly get the perfect start either. Each needle prick, every examination, every second spent in the NICU only exacerbated this feeling of guilt; to the point when there were days when I could not bring myself to enter the ward, versus days to which I could not bring myself to leave the ward.

Whenever I saw her, I would see an embodiment of me and my partners utmost selfish need for an heir. True, some people at this stage would disagree, again probably quoting scriptures that the need to have children is something both intrinsically human as well as an obligation by religion etc etc. but it is what it is; a deeply rooted fear of being alone in old age and having a good support system later on.

In our Asian culture, this is the ONE and ONLY reason I have ever seen for people to have children. Daughters are had to be given away (sooner rather than later) and sons to provide a good support system in later life. If this isn't a selfish need, what else is? No wonder daughters are considered burdens/useless (Yes, they still are. Relatives almost openly mourn for their youngest brother (who is a grandfather BTW) who only has daughters, and hence is as good as dead already. Also, these are very well-educated, respected people. So there you go!) and sons are considered walking talking bank accounts.

Which made me decide one thing; I will never let my children think of me as someone they HAVE to respect and stay eternally grateful for. Instead, it should really be the other way round; I owe them everything; they owe me nothing. All the pain,suffering, hardships my baby had to endure were a direct consequence of us wanting a child. There would be days when I would just sit by her crib, wondering what she would ask me if she could, about the constant pain, constant tests. After all, it was for our own selfish need that she was embodied and sent to us. My children are a blessing on me, and later on in life, a legacy, not a wishlist of stuff for them to achieve nor a support system. They will know respect; but they will also know of an existence independent of me, unlike what is prevalent, where daughters are erased or forgotten, and sons are crushed under expectations.



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